I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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