mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
