So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
