So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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