Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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