i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
