so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
