first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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