dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
