i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
