Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
