I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
