Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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