I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
