you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
