somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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