whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Randomize
