Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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