I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
