My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize