I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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