I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
