and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
