Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
