Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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