Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
