The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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