who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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