By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
