woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
