so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
