in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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