I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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