I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
