Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
