I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I have aggressive nipples.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
