I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
