my mouth tastes like poor choices
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
How external is "for external use only"?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
