I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
