it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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