my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
