i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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