I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
