I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
