okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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