i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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