There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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