do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
