Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize