I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
