i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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