I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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