Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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