Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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