I'm drive I can fine osifer
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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