so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
