I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
