If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
