so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
