Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
