Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
