how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
