Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
