I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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