my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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