I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
