Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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