I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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