so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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