Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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